Giving Up On Dreams

How does one know when to give up on a dream? Is it wrong to give up on a dream or is it wrong to hold on to a dream when you don’t have the time or reality to make it manifest?

Lately, I’ve decided to give up on a dream. I had a dream that my horse and I would make an amazing duo and do things together that were fun like mounted archery, trail rides in the mountains, competing in events in quarter horse shows but the reality of life has come to give pause…I barely have enough time to go out and see my horse once a week for two hours. I pour an excessive amount of funds into her for the potential of using her as my trusty steed for trail riding, pleasure riding and horse time just to realize I rarely participate due to a lack of energy or time. So, is it fair? Is it fair to her to let her wait for me to pull her out of her stall and engage in some activity for 30 min to and hour and be put back until the next time? Do I keep wishing and hoping for my own place with land so that she can thrive with me there?

I’ve come to realize all this hoping is just empty wishing. I could push myself but then again when you have several things in your life one must lose our for another. There just isn’t enough time or energy to keep it all going.

So, if there is any justice to be had for this creature I love and adore, I must let her go. She is my heart horse. I raised her from a baby and I had so many dreams but it’s just not feasible with who I am and the career I have and the obstacles I challenge. As much as I want it to be different and as much as it may destroy part of me it’s only fair to seek a better place and a better owner for her. All of this terrifies me and I know the day I drive away from her will be the hardest day of my adult life. She’s been with me for 15 years and most of that has been good. Some of that has been amazing and some has been sad and full of worry. There has been ample guilt and ample angst at living situations and injuries endured. Having a horse like Nuttah is like taking you heart out of your chest and hammering it to pieces half of the time, then the other half it’s like reading “The Five Agreements” and actually seeing what the author is writing about first hand. There is no mediocre time or ho hum existence in the dynamic of this special mare.

In a heartbeat, I would be willing to take a lifeline offered to make this easier or forget it all together. I guess in a way I want to choose no. And if I just try harder somehow would her life be fulfilling with me as her owner forever? I know a lot of horses with a worse off existence but should that be the measurement. I think the measurement should be the best of the best. A pony that runs free on acres of land and then runs up the their owner for a new adventure because they’re fully bonded with that human and there has never been a breaking of trust or abandonment offered.

So, I am giving up on a dream knowing I wanted that dream very badly but unsure of the reality of getting to that dream while realizing time is of the essence and each of us is aging more quickly than wanted. I think the hardest part of it all is thinking I failed her. But maybe that’s not true either. Maybe my part was to get her this far. I realize don’t have enough to go the extra distance and trust that God will bless her future. But it’s oh so hard, because we’ve been through life together and I’ve sacrificed a lot along the way to give her all I could.