Contentment

Every day of my life I struggle to find contentment and this makes me sad because I am so very blessed in this life. I have a beautiful kind and sweet dog, an amazing and fun horse, a house that feels like a home and a great job with great people. Yet, every day I struggle with contentment because I wonder am I doing enough, have I been enough, am I okay in life now. Fear creeps in and I wonder could I ever go back to where I’ve been before in the darkness. I used to want to end my life every day. I thought about death, dying and destroying me daily and constantly. Why?…. because who I was was not okay. Not okay with my family, my church or my community… because I knew I would love a woman and I am a woman. I knew from ten years of age that one day I would find myself living a “sinful/sin filled” life according to other Christians. I was so miserable all the time because of the heaviness I carried. I attended ex-gay support groups and seminars before I ever had my first kiss by a girl. I knew because my fantasies only involved me loving a female muse. At ten when I had my first fantasy I stuffed my head under a pillow and forced myself not to breathe hoping I could just suffocate the gay thoughts out. Why was I like this? Why did I have to think about it? Why could I not have the same reaction when I thought about a boy? But eventually after fighting so hard for so long to try and NOT be gay, I relented and instead of asking God a thousand times a day to “change me O God”, I realized that maybe, just maybe God didn’t want to change me. Maybe I wasn’t bad because I had thoughts of loving women. Then I started loving me for who I naturally was because I thought why would a Creator want his creation to hate themselves? That would be absurd! At that point, I let go of fighting to restrain myself and travelled 2000 miles to meet my first love. She was sophisticated and chill and about six years older. My first kiss was amazing by a woman. It was not all slobbery and lustful but succulent, promising and sweet. For the very first time in a sexual situation I felt in my element. I felt everything happen naturally and it was lovely. I felt like myself and didn’t feel the struggle that had been my daily companion. Regardless it wasn’t perfect and ended fairly quickly but it told me who I was.

Today I am 43 and have lived more than half of my life loving women and it has been hard. There are reasons it’s not a first decision to live with. It’s hard to rely on yourself a lot, trust women that use you, trick you, severely hurt you, manipulate and degrade you and keep trying to find the right one. It’s SO hard. But I guess it could happen with a man just as well. But with a man you don’t have to justify who you love and why. People just readily accept you.

Today though I am content. I have manuevered many bends to find it’s ok to be me. It’s ok to love the person and not be so focused on the gender of who you love. My lover sleeps contently by me and as I listen to her restful breathing I take in the contentment I have in the silence of who we are together and who I am as a woman. Any love is hard to maintain but when you find the lover that gives you rest, peace, a sense of home and contentment that’s the love to fight for in your life. A blessing God placed in my life for me to know I don’t know it all and measily little wishes to not be gay has nothing to do with following our God and working to bring Him glory, honor and praise.

As I look at my lover I think God wanted me to see how beautiful his creation was and the woman before me reflects God’s beauty back to me. All good things come from God and she is no exception to good things.