Hard Decisions

First of all life is hard. I’m sure as readers you already know this but I think there is hope in the human heart for an easy time in life but for whatever reason not many of us get that at all. I myself have not gotten that gift. It is said that if you follow Christ, God will take care of you but don’t be mistaken by this. I doesn’t mean it will be easy for this is not a world governed by God. It is a world given to his fallen angel “Satan” (the one against God). The fallen angel that seeks to deceive, kill and destroy….the darkness. In our hearts we can feel the emptiness that this world cannot fill. This hole is the longing of an eternal being to find eternity in a finite world. It is a feeling I live with daily and if you’re honest with yourself you feel it too. I sometimes loathe this emptiness feeling. A feeling that basically robs you of satisfaction. Every experience as awesome as it can be still lacks because without God fulfilling the space there is emptiness. I think this feeling can be coveref, ignored, untapped and for those people what a life! The sleeping soul definitely has this one advantage. But loss of purpose usually drags that soul down eventually.

In this life and in the bible also, there were a lot of hard choices. Life really is full of hard choices. I am talking about hard choices like Sophie’s Choice. Choices of life and death, great sadness and sadness that will never be overcome, choices that send you in a completely different direction, exile you from your friends or family or both. I’ve made several of these hard choices. I still struggle with making more of these choices, but overall to follow a path towards my best existence on this planet I must consider the hard choices. Sometimes we don’t want to do what is asked of us. I find Jonah and Moses two good examples of this…Jonah especially. He did not want to go to God hating nation and preach about God but that is what God wanted Jonah to do. Well in the beginning Jonah ran away from God and ended up in the belly of a whale. Whether a theoretical whale or a true whale the contemplating he had to do was the same. Only to end up with the conclusion that when God chooses you for His will you better do it or your whole existence may become a struggle. I’ve forced against God a lot in my life and suffered the consequences for it. Hard choices does not mean whom I love. If I “choose” to be a lesbian is not a choice really. A choice is when you have two options. Loving a woman or not loving at all is not a choice. Loving a man is not a choice its a settling. That part was broken and its not a choice but I will still be judged on something that was not my doing by fellow humans. God, however, I honestly don’t believe cares one way or the other. It’s funny how humans put the most creative being in the entire universe into a box of black and white. God never says homosexuality is wrong, he says lust, ways he did not create as pleasing to him and acts that make idolatry okay are sins. Basically when you are not primarily focused on God and placing other things above God (like sex) you will fall. This is what happened to Solomon. It says Solomon had many wives from all over the world and yet he was at first loved and adored by God but then his wives introduced him to false religions and gods and he fell in every way because of this. He was the wisest man in the world and he was still deceived. He felt he could not turn away his lover with different gods so instead he opened himself up to other gods, other ways, strayed from the one true God and slowly suffered for it.

Homosexuality was not created it is a symptom of heterosexual sin. This is my belief. Homosexuality to some extent is organic and natural at stages of exploration and the road to adulthood but it is not to be a way of life. It is hard. It is NOT a choice. Why would anyone chose something that keeps them out of the larger society and social norms of society. Why would anyone choose to make the least amount of money in a coupling than any other comparative couple? Why would someone chose the risk of hate crimes acted upon them? Why would anyone chose a way of life that kept them isolated from God because judgement the church has placed upon their lifestyle? No one would chose any of this. It’s not a choice. It can be changed but not by the human experiencing this, I do believe it’s changeable but God has to change, heal and love it away. I thought this would happen to me one day but there was a twist in the plot and I think I was led in a completely different direction that I expected at all.

As I started preparing to leave my marriage I believed God was leading me to a different life I could not fathom. My little concrete brain believed it was towards heterosexuality. I believed that God was starting to heal all those wounds that made me the way I was and then instead He didn’t. Instead He took me out of my debilitating, spirit draining and verbal abusive marriage to single life where I form and question and experience new thoughts and feelings stronger than I have ever had. A life more enjoyable than I have ever dreamed and found me a partner I could never fathom to live in a peaceful separateness that honors me and her. That allows the growth that I need and the strength in life I deserve and the companionship I want. In turn for this, I feel a pull from my Creator to help the hurting.

I wanted to serve God and I started training to be a Lifeline Coach but at almost the ending of the training we were given real life scenarios we would be confronting. I started reading through what people called in for and this was the list in lieu of amount of calls….struggles with homosexuality, suicide, relationship issues, inadequacy, etc. The amount of calls on homosexuality was about sixty percent. Sixty percent! A religion that doesn’t have any room for homosexuals? My heart cried. A God that created all of us and so many people unaccepted, unwanted by the church and yet full of faith and spirit. It’s time to change this, its time to change all the discrimination in the world. It’s time to accept all of our differences and the expression of a creator that reveled in all of our creation not just the white, heterosexual, male population. With that being said I feel the calling to have a bible study group for my people that seek God and need weekly time in the bible and with devotion. It is a scary concept and endeavor but I think it is the scary place God is asking me to go.