Sitting in Grief

I lost my only sister when I was five. She was someone I don’t remember life without and I loved her so much. I protected her and laughed with her and made her happy and then one day she was gone. Never would I see her again but unfortunately it was a slow fade. The dying light of a child is a torturous thing for everyone around that child. I was there for only a little of that because she pushed me away first. She started hating or separating from me first and it was horrible. My family was there but not me. It was too upsetting for her to see me so I was watched by strangers while my family watched her. I think this was my first realization of happy energy was not welcome. Now today I cannot very well pull happy energy from my depths. There was a lot of other things to damage happy energy but this was maybe the deepest blow.

Does it ever go away…. grief. It does not. When you lose someone so close it never goes away and when you lose others it reminds you of the first horrible loss you had and you don’t want to lose anyone else. So much so you don’t even want to lose people that aren’t even good to keep in your life. The pain of losing someone that defined your life is like losing part of you and it cannot be retrieved or repaired.

Anyway we were sisters we weren’t twins but when she was gone I was missing something for the rest of my life. Some hole was left that could never be replaced. A hole that could never be soothed with anything again. You just have to live with the hole and the memories of her fading and really that’s all you have. As a sister you’re a child not allowed to grieve because really your parents are who lost mostly. But it hurts and then you lose your parents too. They’re lost in grief…lost for years or forever.

And really no one understands but you just stay there deep inside your thoughts and feelings unable to really recover but at least it’s buried pretty deep until some memory, family member or photo brings it back to the surface or until you lose the next person in your life. And then it’s like a fresh wound all over again.