Season of Transition

And so it begins…a season of transition. I am all about change and improvement but all my life I have struggled to find a sense of home or belonging. It is hard for me to feel comfortable or at home. Even upon buying my own house it took me a week before I was comfortable to stay there alone and six months for it to feel like actually my place. Honestly, it wasn’t until Kim moved in with her zen like feel to things that made me feel at ease. So here I go again being in transition.

I really never felt like my exe’s house was my home even though I tried hard. I think this comes from a sense of eclecticism and my artistic sense to make something mine. It may have come from growing up in a house where it felt like I was the excess piece of furniture but either way it is hard for me to feel at home. I actually feel more at home when I’m traveling and living in hotel rooms for a week than at home. This kind of says to me I like small spaces. I like things neat, clean and free of clutter. I start to panic when there is lots of clutter. So my next living place I hope to make it homey and peaceful and welcoming. I don’t know when I’ll have a new place to reside and the interim will disrupt my psyche a bit but I’m waiting on a dream of having a place in the country to have all my animals and open spaces. I hope to afford it when I get there.

It’s all about the NOW right now because my hands are tied in dreaming of a future due to the completion of the divorce and the completion of school and the time I need to pay off all my debt and start savings furiously for my own house again. Unfortunately, it is easier to take less and settle peacefully than fight for more and pay more to lawyers and the like. Maybe once again I am a pushover and the loser in another relationship but hopefully not. I just would rather have the divorce in progress than be dragged out over months and months. Overall, my mental health is struggling with all the stress of all the things going on right now and I am a bit overwhelmed and trying to cope the best I can with music, walks, horse time and time alone.

Also the other thing is I’m trying to dream of a future where things are enjoyable and I already feel like I can enjoy the moment. I can go on more hikes, more horse back riding activities, more time with my mom and more time with my friends. Religion and spirituality will also be able to be more a part of my life. This weekend I’m going to go back to church and find the right place for me that will accept me as a lesbian and a Christ-loving woman. There are good things to come and I know this transition will be life giving in the long run I just have to find my routine and the places I fit in best. It can be good and life can be good too.