Doing It Hard

A background of July…

On July 1st. I sat in the front day room with Shadow in a kennel next to me.  I was feeling a little lost in how I would endure the eight weeks to come and manage him and my disappointment over his broken leg.  I was listening to my daily devotional podcast and it hit me hard.  It was about sucking it up and doing the hard stuff you have been avoiding because you had been too afraid.  Pamela Crim the podcaster I listen to was offering a month of mentoring regarding accomplishing your hard.  Well I knew exactly what my hard was…it was getting out of this bad relationship.  I had it all planned out to do it at the end of June and then Shadow broke his leg destroying any ability for me to get out of the house.  He would be total care for the next eight weeks.  My partner had cancelled her trip and I was left to lament on not being able to leave.  We actually made it work well between us for the first time in years for the sake of the dog but it was fleeting and things went back to how they were with her always angry and sullen.  I even had a glimmer of it working for a moment but I think that was naive.  Anyway, I joined that mentoring group and I started tackling a lot.  My crappy eating habits, my lack of exercise, my spiritual life and my emotional health.  I cut out sugar, dairy and caffeine.  I started eating things mostly grown and not packaged 50% vegetables.  I started gearing up to go to the mountains with an awesome hiking friend and relaxing for a few days in nature at my Grandfather’s cabin that my mom owns now.  I started using the stairs at work instead of the elevator.  Every time I was tired I still made myself get going up those stairs.  I started walking on my breaks and seeing my horse more and walking my dog more.  I started to suck it up and stop being lazy.  Another podcast that got me thinking was one about energy.  It was about how energy can create more energy.  If you use every bit of energy you have today how your body will start to adjust to using more each day.  It is true.  I have learned this from my EDS.  If you lay in bed all day all you do is feel tired the next day but if you try to use the energy you have today you have the same tomorrow or more the next day.  So I started doing little hards and the cumulative effect just kept paying off.  The joint pain markedly decreased due to not eating sugar.  The energy level increased and within two weeks I could scamper up the stairs without having to catch my breath at the end of the flights.  I feel good!  My guts were extremely happy without dairy and processed foods.  But I was doing all this and not tackling the hardest thing.  Ending my relationship.

My partner agreed to allow me the time to get away to the woods; she would take care of Shadow’s needs while I was gone.  I was so grateful that this worked out because I needed to get away so bad.  The stress of Shadow breaking his leg was overwhelming.  The care on a daily basis was really draining and never ending.  I had stopped sleeping through the night.  I had been waking up with him every 2 hours through every night.  I was right it was so wonderful to get away.  The weekend was perfect in every way.  We each brought food to complement each other, the mountains were beautiful, we didn’t have any bear encounters, the hikes had the most amazing wildflower vistas and blue skies and green trees was soul restoring.  It was also great to have this friend by my side to share it with.  We have been friends for fifteen years and done hikes, camping, dinner parties and outings together.  We lived in New Orleans at the same time and were friends there too.  In fact we had gone out for fish tacos and margaritas the night before the hurricane turned towards New Orleans.  Going to the cabin was kind of like going on a fancy camping trip again and with it a good bonding weekend too.  We talked a lot about our experiences over the years and shared those great hikes.  I am very blessed to have such a great long time friend and be able to have time to share again.  The weekend at the cabin only made our friendship deeper, with a deeper understanding of each other.  But something stuck out that overshadowed everything.  At one point she said, “why do you keep apologizing for who you are?”.  That for me was the kicker,  I couldn’t get it out of my head.  Is this what I had become?  Someone ashamed of themselves because of being told every day how bad they are.  That was the final sign.  That was to final push.  That morning as I sat there enjoying a place I have loved since I was a little child without my partner who disliked the cabin very much.  I said to myself I cannot do this anymore.  Things transpired that made it all fall into place slowly over the next week.  While I have questioned in the past if I was making the right decision.  Every time I questioned whether it was right in the next week…my partner would just say the right things that reconfirmed my decision.  By the end of the week I was completely done.  The End.  I don’t care who judges me, I don’t care who says I messed up.  I NEED to stop pretending a person I have nothing in common with, sees the world in a completely devastating light and only demoralizes me every day is someone I should stay with.  A few days after I called for a divorce I moved out so she could progress with grieving and processing without bringing me into it every day.

To many of my friends I have complained about this relationship for upwards of two years and really wondered if I could ever get out of it but I finally took the step.  Finally said enough, things are not going to change, it is over.

Leaving was hard, very hard and stressful.  I could not relax about it for several days but now I feel good and at peace.  There is still much to get accomplished to separate but I know in time it will all come to pass and it will fall where it may.  I already feel better than I have in years.  With the help of good friends I have a place to live and a great support system to keep my spirits up.  There will still be some healing but where I have wanted this for a long time…a lot has already been laid at peace.  I hurt for my partner because in her own way she was trying but I could not be on that journey anymore and the things she must look at I feel she must look at without me there.  Because I am inherently optimistic I know she will be fine and I hope she will really work on the things that do drag her down but in self preservation I cannot do that with her.  Maybe that is wrong because of the vows we took but I don’t think that a relationship is supposed to squelch your own being to a point like this.  I feel like this is the right decision and I have finally done what needed to happen.