Hard Lessons

I am in my forties now.  It’s hard to believe I made it to this point and the lessons are still hard to learn.  I am not sure what I have done wrong except be very stubborn.  I am trying to change that and start believing my way may not always be the right way.  I have in the last year all but acquiesced myself to others…my partner, my mother, my coworkers only to find I’ve lost who I was and who I really want to be.  I have given up in many aspects and my partner has too.  We don’t talk or communicate but we do tolerate each other.  I try not to make her mad but I find the best way to do that is to not communicate or not be home.  I have turned into an avoider and a liar just in order to not rock the boat.  I will say anything to not have a lecture forced upon me and, as long as, it doesn’t make it worse.  And for this reason out of many I am ending this relationship.  I cannot tolerate any longer nor turn into someone I’m not.  The hard lesson I keep having to relearn is that I’m worth it not to change for someone else.

I realized just how high the price can be to give in to other people’s expectations of you.  I cannot be what you want me to be unless I am already that to begin with.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for self improvement but that’s not what we’re discussing here.  We are discussing something called codependency which many relationships fall into but in the end it is not healthy and it is not what relationship is about, so I think this is my last lesson.  I will not change for another human being to be what they want me to be.  I will grow and flourish instead of wither and writhe.  No more sacrificing myself and my time to regret that I did so in the first place.

Although this next chapter petrifies me to death.  I am very excited to be free of this oppressive relationship I have found myself in.  It has been daunting and tiring and health depriving.  I feel like I’m in the middle of the tunnel and I can finally see light at the end.  If you are a prayerful person, please pray that I choose health and life instead of loyality and misery.  All of the puzzle pieces are falling into place and I feel my wings are starting to develop.  A leap of faith is all that remains–may I take that step and fly foward into a better place.