A trip down memory lane

May 24th…with much trepidation and angst I traveled down to see my little sister graduate from high school in my home town of Cortez Colorado.

It has been a rocky road with family this year. I have felt left out, kept in the dark and abandoned. I made a mistake in October…I didn’t go to my sister’s last band performance. I went to bed the night before with excitement of seeing my sister and Dad the next day but when I woke up I realized very quickly it was not to be. I was very very sick. I think I had the stomach flu. I could barely make it out of bed and to the bathroom with severe dizziness and nausea. Other than having the flu I worried because my body doesn’t like to vomit. When I vomit I pass out. This is very scary and dangerous. I do not drive when I become nauseous because I don’t want to have an accident. I fear hurting myself or someone else so I don’t drive or really move about at all. Well that was what I was in for that day. I was filled with anger and the unfairness of life. How could I be sick on the one day it really mattered to not be, but this has been how my life has been in the last year. Upon turning 40 I started experiencing many bad days where dizziness, utter exhaustion and pain plague my life. It has been infuriating as I hate the limitations…I am not one to have limitations but now I do. I must be conscientious about my body all of the time. If I ignore hunger or thirst or sleep I suffer for it the next day. I have an interrelated condition. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome with Dysautonomia. It basically means my ligaments and connective tissue are defective and the things others take for granted like digestion, heart rate and blood pressure don’t regulate themselves and I have to be in charge of making sure they work. It sucks. I won’t lie it just plan sucks and it’s hard and new and I mess up a lot as I try to learn how to deal with it. Thus, it has led to many disappointments in my family life. Some days I have to be in bed and it is limiting and as much as I want to be there I just can’t.

I get excited when I have good days and sometimes do too much so good days are followed by a bad day. I have disappointed my sister and my mother and maybe my Dad and my cousins. My sister though is the worst because she doesn’t understand and quite honestly I haven’t explained. I’m still embarassed of these limitations. Maybe with time I will be better but for now I just try to show up. I think I am also getting better at the management of this condition. I have had less bad days recently and hope it’s a trend.

So that is the background on where I have been. So there was a lot of fear going to my sister’s graduation as I wasn’t sure how I would be received. There was some hurt as I made some mistakes with interpreting things wrongly and there was some pain of not being included. Overall the graduation itself was awkward but the rest of the trip led to resolution of things that were not accurate on my part. Asking for forgiveness and taking responsibility for what I did wrong. I dealt with the hard stuff and feel freed to pursue a better relationship with my family.

Overall, I am hypersensitive which leads to misinterpreting things and thinking the worst in each situation but I have acknowledged that and come to be better at expressing myself to people but I still fail here and there along the way.